I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize