I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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