Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize