i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
