I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize