Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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