false alarm. still invincible.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
