possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
