i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Randomize
