That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize