where am i from again
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
