i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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