It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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