I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
