You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Randomize
