So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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