i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
