Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
