Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
