Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
