Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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