I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
