I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
