i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
