He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
