He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
There's always time for handjobs
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
