My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
