And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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