his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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