shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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