If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
