how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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