His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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