a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
