Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
