Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i wish my penis had a tongue
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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