Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
