when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
