Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
