I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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