thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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