I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
