I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
