I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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