mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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