The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
