Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
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