shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Randomize
