I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
