based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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