Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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