The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
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