Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You took a bar mat shot.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
