Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
