yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
