Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
