I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
