don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize